After my bold declaration last week that I hardly ever yell at my kids anymore, I think I fell off the wagon.

Apparently, according to research, if you want to succeed in your goals in life, you should probably not tell anyone about them. Something about the process of telling others provides a false reward in itself so that part of the motivation to continue with the hard work disappears.

Whoops.

So, don’t worry, I haven’t morphed into some perfect being who serenely floats through the chaos and calmly redirects everyone to a better place. I’m still the same flawed human being who gets grumpy and frustrated and, when it seems like my normal voice is being completely tuned out, I yell.

Now that confession is out of the way, there have been a few strategies that have been helping me to screech less…in case you are also trying to salvage what’s left of your voice box.

1. Investing into Creativity

My big thing – my space that immediately lifts my tattered spirits and carries me off to a world where I have (almost) complete control and unleashes the full force of my imagination – is writing. When I don’t make the time to visit this creative place every day, I feel it. Amy McCready of Positive Parenting Solutions talks of only spending 30% of your time in the ‘parenting ego’ where you are ‘ordering, correcting and directing’. The remainder should be spent either in the ‘adult ego’ (where you are learning something new or only responsible for yourself) or the ‘child ego’ (which represents pure joy, unbridled creation or heightened frustration). Writing becomes something that buoys, makes me a better person to be around, and produces something in the process.

Win-win!

Maybe for you it is reading, craft, walking, yoga – whatever it is, prioritise it! Carve out time for it – every day if possible.

If you are interested in increasing your self-care activites, check out this piece below:

Five Self-Care Activities I Do Every Single Day

2. Making Room for ‘Special Time’

A few months ago, whenever one of my kids was being difficult, I would just become frustrated. ‘Why are they doing this to me?’ would be my gripe, whether verbalised or not. With this mindset, it was easy for anger to flow back and ignite the already fragile situation. What I didn’t realise was that this behaviour was really just a cry for help, a misdirected pleading for belonging, and that my response was just driving that wedge in further.

I’m still taking steps on this one, but one practice that has been incredibly helpful has been the implementation of ‘special time’ with each child. Also known as ‘Mind, Body and Soul Time‘, this brief window (10 minutes per child, ideally every day) has transformed our family in the two month period that we have been trying it. As soon as we get home from school, each child gets a chance to spend one on one time with me, doing an activity of their choice. The investment has seen a huge decrease in the behavioural problems we were seeing – including rudeness and backtalk and bedtime battles. And, when things do get crazy or off-kilter, we increase the one on one time and amazingly everyone is happy again.

3. Weekly Family Meetings

Ever since I watched this TED talk a few years ago, I was fascinated by the idea of the family meeting.

Now, every Monday night, at around 6pm, you will find our family around the table, enthusiastically participating in a (slightly chaotic) huddle. There are showers of compliments to start, airing of grievances, scheduling discussions, the bestowal of allowances, delicious desserts and (usually) a family dance party afterwards. It totally puts the night out and we end up racing through the rest of the evening’s routine, but it has been the best thing ever. We rotate responsibilities for leading the meeting, choosing the food and planning the fun, but everyone participates and looks forward to the evening. You can choose your own format, but we found the one above (from the Positive Parenting Solutions course) to work really well with our family.

4. Toning Down the Vices

I’m a little bit of a wine-lover. The downside of being almost perpetually pregnant or breastfeeding for well over half of the past 7 years has meant that when I did get the chance to drink again, it would often be on the ‘too much’ side. Whether it was the ‘yay, I’m celebrating’ kind or the ‘oh man, that was such a tough day’ variety, it seemed as if I could always find a reason to partake.

At the risk of taking away all the positive energy that is currently helping me on my journey, I don’t want to say that I’m a transformed person… I still have nights where I fill (and refill) the glass…. But actually, the thing that is helping me change is surprising. I’ll write a proper post on this in the future, but instead of resisting the urge to drink (which hits inevitably right around crazy hour) because, according to Jim Kwik ‘what you resist, persists‘, I have been trying a different approach. A combination of listening to my body and the cues it is giving me, replacing wine for soda water, rewarding myself later with hot chocolate and rearranging the environment to offer less temptations… I’m finding that I’m far happier, I have more energy (not nodding off on the kids’ beds each night) and a lot less overwhelmed by guilt.

I love sharing a glass of wine with friends still and on special occasions, but I’m liking myself a whole lot more when I don’t ‘need’ it to ‘get through’ every night. And when you are okay with yourself, I’m finding that not as much angst gets redirected at those around you.

5. Not Being Too Hard on Myself

I often fall into the trap of thinking that just because I know something, that should be enough to make me change. Behaviour is complicated, humans are master story-telling machines and it really isn’t as easy as flicking a switch and shifting years (or perhaps decades) of neural wiring. So when I fail, when it all falls apart, I try not to berate myself. Mistakes, while painful or frustrating, can often be the best way to learn. It is the point that we return to that shows us where our true values lie – the apology after the outburst, the morning after the storm.

This is the reminder currently on our refrigerator door. 

So, if you too are struggling with the complex realities of life, and moving two steps forwards and then three steps back… I’m there too.

We are imperfect and beautiful beings and we get up and try again. And again.