Summer is here, Christmas is around the corner….and I have this lingering feeling that it’s still supposed to be March.

This year has been like no other and somehow the extended stretches at home have distorted my concept of time. I’m still not sure whether it has flown or dragged, because in other ways, 2020 feels as though it counts for two years.

Spring was oddly devoid of most of the usual markers – apart from the flowering crab apple tree that burst into bloom and hummed with life right outside our bedroom window. Most of our outside time was spent in our own backyard – watching the kids play on the trampoline while catching a few moments in the sun.

The older boys returned to school and, after a little readjustment, thoroughly enjoyed the chance to reconnect with friends and learn in an actual classroom again. The younger two stayed home with me to continue with home learning and it has been fun hanging out in a quieter setting again!

We took things slow – as the restrictions began to ease and curfews lifted – we found ourselves living largely as before – the entrenching power of habit just that little bit hard to resist.

Each season I take the time to reflect upon what I’ve learned, and this one had some interesting lessons.

Who I Am is Independent of What I Do

It has taken me a long time to grasp the reality of this concept. For as long as I can remember I’ve used roles, relationships and activities to anchor my identity. From academics to sport, from musician to lawyer to Pastor’s Wife, from mother to writer to baker.

This season (and perhaps the year as a whole) has led to a great stripping away of all of these things. When one can’t do things for public approval, something shifts and a reckoning takes place. Even this blog, which played such a big role in getting me through those early years of motherhood and has been a wonderful chance to connect with others, has become muted for the moment in terms of importance. And I’m okay with that.

What I worried would happen, was a great sense of displacement. That when I stopped doing the things that made me ‘me’, I would feel lost.

But it didn’t happen.

I’ve realised that who I am is far deeper than what I do as an expression of that identity. This has been quite liberating actually, and I suspect it has a lot to do with the deepening of faith that I’ve experienced recently.

I’ve Been Asleep to the World

Part of my experience of motherhood, and I suspect this might be common, was a shrinking down of all of the outside ‘noise’ to just focus on family. This was crucial in the younger years. I had zero energy to process what was going on in the wider world because the domestic world in front of me was all consuming. Nap times, feeding, cooking, cleaning, paperwork, behaviour management – repeat. Add that to the vague sense of unease I felt when listening to the news – with that enduring feeling it provoked being one of fear or helplessness.

This season in particular, however, I’ve done a deep dive back into it all – politics, woke ideology, gender identity and biology, innovative responses to climate change and legal battles. After being consumed by fear at the start of the pandemic, I learned to be far more selective in my sources of data and not fall into the trap of being manipulated by mainstream news sources.

Unfortunately, I’ve found this situation has worsened since the US election, with Twitter and Facebook intrusively intervening to ‘fact check’ and hide links – all for our ‘safety’, of course. I’m calling it an awakening, though at times its difficult to resist the pull of ideology as opposed to simply trying to remain informed. It definitely feels as if there is a battle for hearts and minds going on at the moment and I’m growing increasingly concerned at the rise of cultural totalitarianism.

Face Yoga Actually Works

Time for a more frivolous one, but after stumbling across an ad for Face Yoga, I watched a couple of YouTube videos and made up my own routine that I do nightly before going to bed and I’ve noticed a real difference in my skin elasticity. Ageing is a complicated process and any little thing that helps is worth it, in my estimation!

Social Media Isn’t Ideal for Nuanced Conversation

I’m not sure why I needed to ‘learn’ this one, but I discovered it in real time after posting a video on Facebook from a Canadian lawyer who broke down one of the (numerous) legal cases alleging fraud in the US election. Initially prompted by a desire to see more balanced reporting on the issue (one which was being completely ignored by the media), it turned into a bigger deal than I expected and having to respond to the comments coming in consumed my time for longer than was healthy. In the end, I made the decision to bow out.

What I want above all is for there to be a space for healthy and polite debate from both sides of the political spectrum, but I’ve learned (the hard way) that tone can be misinterpreted and points can get missed in the back and forth, leading to break downs in communication and relationship. It’s sobering, but having had the opportunity to have real (in-person) conversations since this time, I can see the stark difference in the quality of outcomes.

I’m definitely on the more conservative side of the fence, and I’m not afraid to own that anymore, despite the fact that I feel that my opinions are rarely represented in my friend/online groups. I feel that society quickly begins to break down when we can’t listen to each other and weigh up different opinions to our own and reflect upon potential blind spots. I hope that we can figure out a way to continue to engage in controversial debates in the future, without being threatened by opposition.

Seeing People Again is the Best

There really is no substitute for community. Having had the chance to catch up with friends and family now, after such a long time not seeing them, it has really hit home even more how valuable these relationships are. From getting to meet my new nephew for the first time weeks after he was born, to hanging out at the playground with an old friend, having a delicious Thanksgiving celebration with another lovely family, and having family over for a pizza dinner – there is such a sense of ‘exhale’ afterwards.

Life is meant to be shared in person. There are so many realities that simply don’t translate over technology and I’m keen to prioritise this for the future. While we may not cram in as many gatherings over a weekend as we did before (suddenly I’m getting so tired after socialising for some reason!), the events that we do have will be all the more treasured.

…

Well, spring, it was a strange one, but there was a sense of new life in the air as our tiny world began to tentatively open up again. I regret nothing about this year, even though parts were quite difficult. The hard times allowed us to really clarify what is important and what we value. I’m looking forward to a meaningful summer of celebrations and connection, relaxation and fun.

What did you learn this season? I’d love to about hear your experiences!