There’s a sense of renewed purpose about spring. My step becomes more resolute, the things I had been putting off on my ‘to do’ list suddenly don’t seem quite as overwhelming. The weather relaxes its grip and the days begin to linger again. The windows are thrown open to receive the delicious scent of lychee and musk rose blossoms, and our fruit trees frantically burst into bloom.

This season has also been a strange one in many ways. A void of sorts, in which I didn’t publish a blog post every week for the first time in five years. It felt wrong at first – a sense of urgency that I wasn’t doing enough. But that soon passed and became more of an exhale instead. The self-reflection continued in the pages of my journal and in the tear-stained sessions of spiritual direction. The moments were still captured in photographs, friendship celebrated in a flavoursome Spanish fiesta and family brought together in our time away in Mount Martha.

I’m joining up with Emily Freeman to reflect upon what I’ve learned this season.

Don’t Get a Foreign Body Stuck in Your Foot

Yes. It seems like a simple one, and I actually have no idea how the said object came to be lodged right in the sole of my foot, but definitely not recommended. It was a few months ago now, but when I began noticing that I couldn’t put my full weight on that foot, I decided to have it investigated. One ultrasound and attempt at removal later – nothing was resolved. Eventually, I dug out what I hope was the whole splinter/glass shard, but man it hurts!

I’ve had to relearn how to walk so that I can avoid putting my full weight on that part of my foot when the pain flares up, but I’m hoping that it will ‘heal’ soon…. Oh, there was such a great opportunity for a pun there. I restrained myself (just)!

Mother and Daughter Nights are the Best

I grew up in a house filled with girls and the thought of not having any of my own didn’t really occur to me. Boys were a foreign language for the most part – until I had to sharpen my game quickly thanks to the experience of having two in quick succession. Toilet jokes and wrestling became the dominant tone in our house, and I learned to endure (perhaps even enjoy) the ball games and burping, the high energy and chaos.

And then Ivy came along.

I still remember the moment we found out she was going to be a girl, and the flutter of excitement that accompanied the realisation. I knew, of course, that I could not control what I was given, but the thought that I might have a daughter brought me great joy. Fast forward almost five years now and she is a true warrior princess of the best kind. With fierce battles of will, incredible sweetness, depth of creativity and imagination, and an insatiable love of accessories – Ivy is more than I could have ever hoped for.

On Friday night we had our first official Mother and Daughter outing to see Frozen 2. Leaving aside my critique of the movie itself (I don’t enjoy the formulaic nature of sequels in general), it was such an enjoyable experience. Ivy dressed in her finest Elsa costume, of course, and we savoured a light dinner beforehand. She remained wide-eyed and filled with wonder for the entire night and it was such a pleasurable time for both of us. Needless to say, we are planning eagerly for the next one!

The Little Things Add Up

This year has been an exercise in honing my routines – from the ten minute workout that I start every morning with, to the cold shower every night, and the twice daily fifteen minute sessions of mediation that rejuvenate and clarify my mental state. As I have implemented these habits (check out James Clear’s insightful book Atomic Habits if you are looking to anchor down some of your own), I have noticed such an increase in energy, inspiration, happiness and satisfaction.

The most remarkable example of this was my participation in NaNoWriMo this November. For the uninitiated, it’s 50,000 words in 30 days. Last year was my first attempt and I remember it being fairly intense. This year, I found the process (mostly) enjoyable, as I sat down to write at the same time each day (in rest time) and managed to get down the daily quota of 1667 words in approximately 45 minutes to an hour (right after a meditation). As I progressed through the month, I noticed the task becoming more efficient and easier, and the word count creeping up. It was quite satisfying.

The difference, I suspect, was having the helpful habits as scaffolding already in place along with the undeniable reality that practice makes a process much more straightforward.

Sobriety Isn’t About Missing Out

I am in my tenth month of sobriety now. As I look back on what I thought this state would be like and compare it to what it actually is, I realise I had absolutely no idea of what to expect. At first I pictured sobriety as a ‘giving up’ of something. A missing out or an abstinence of sorts. And yes, at its most simple level it is all of these things.

But, wow, is it so much more.

Sobriety is the gift of being able to hear your own thoughts, know yourself more intimately and face the (somewhat terrifying) reality of what you want. It is the wonder of being able to create a life you don’t want to escape from, the knowledge that each day you are choosing to become the person you were destined to be, throwing away the pain of a path filled with regret and dehydration and shame and hangovers. It’s knowing that your children will be proud of you one day, and that you no longer have to worry about them watching you with a sloshing wine glass or slurring your words at bedtime.

If I could pen a letter to my prior alcohol-obsessed self, it would be filled with such depth of emotion now. I would scream out to try and get her attention. ‘You’re going to be okay’, I would write, ‘MORE than okay! This is the thing, that one thing that will change everything. You are so much stronger than you know.’

It would be disingenuous to pretend it isn’t hard sometimes. There are moments, of course. When I face the fleeting pang of wishing things were different and that alcohol hadn’t had such a hold over me. Times like Christmas will no doubt be a little more difficult, but whenever I think back to the reality of what life before sobriety was like, those twinges don’t last long.

Writing is The Thing

It has taken a long time to really see it, but the more I travel down this path, I realise how much words are part of my very being. All the threads, the invisible strands, woven almost imperceptibly so that I would often gloss over them…. but as I reflect and understand myself more, I know that this truly is my path.

My identity, my work, my creativity – it all comes down to the written word and the art of putting letters together. It’s funny how sometimes the most obvious realities can be the most obscure.

I don’t even mind so much if my words aren’t published, or if the journey unfolds in a way other than that which I picture. For me, the very act of sitting down – fingers to the keys, ears attuned to the greater truths of the universe – that is the reward which I crave. I will gladly do it until my body gives out.

I’m still in the process of refining and reworking my first middle-grade novel, but there is so much to learn along the way. If you want to stay up to date on the progress of this journey, feel free to follow along at Emma Louise Hughes.

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Life is a process of inching forward and meandering through realisations and discoveries. The path is often shrouded in fog and studded with jagged rocks, but the courage to just take that next step keeps us grounded. I’m so thankful for the opportunity to reflect back on what gifts the way brings, and the lessons that hardships lead to.

I’m excited to embrace the holiday season and all the festivities that are approaching. Christmas is one of my favourite times of the year and there are many adventures to be had! I hope that your spring was filled with life and that the coming season brings much wonder and connection for you.

Until next time…