I have been a woman on a mission lately.

I’m not entirely sure what is driving me, but there is just such a sense of urgency to ‘get it right’. Perhaps it is a flow on effect of waking up after spending far too long in the haze of alcohol use dependency, but whatever it is, I’m tackling life head on and trying to make every moment count.

And I’m seeing real progress.

So many stories I told myself about who I was simply weren’t true when I took the time to stop and examine them. It wouldn’t make a good movie, by any means, but bit by bit I’m finding that things that used to be hard are now a little easier, and that I’m moving slowly towards becoming the person I want to be.

Here are four myths I used to believe:

1. I’m not a morning person

I always thought I was a night owl. After all, that precious time after the kids finally conked out is ‘my time’. But the nights were getting later and later and not necessarily more productive or enjoyable. I knew something needed to change but I wasn’t sure how on earth I could fit it in.

I remember reading Jim Kwik’s morning routine and being like ‘there’s no way I will ever end up starting my day like that – how does he even have the time?’ At first I put it down to the fact that he didn’t have kids. I reasoned that if I woke up earlier, the kids would just wake up earlier and then I would have no time to myself.

Now, I wake up at 6:00am. I swish with coconut oil, exercise, record my dreams, meditate, set my intentions, write for half an hour and then get dressed for the day. Somehow, having that foundation from which to start from has been a huge step forward for me and no matter how the day goes from there, it’s going to be okay.

And yes, sometimes the kids do wake up earlier, but they have all been super respectful of both of us carving out the time to invest in ourselves, often to the point where Hudson will pull out his computer and do some ‘writing’ with us, Ivy will emerge fully dressed to surprise us and Eli packs his bag silently in the background.

2. I can’t control my emotions

I’m not sure where I first stumbled upon the idea that you can actually control your feelings, but it has started cropping up everywhere now. It turns out that our emotions are more like computer scripts that we learn to attach to experiences and trigger points (known as affects).

Now, I’m not recommending that you just ignore the emotion and try to bury it. I’ve tried that. It really doesn’t work. But there are so many practical methods you can use to help with processing the emotions and moving through them faster.

I use these ones regularly:

2x Breath (which involves breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth for double the time, oxygenating your blood and calming the vagus nerve which connects the brain and the body).

Acknowledge and label the emotion – burying our feelings just leads to anxiety or stress. But if we use them as data, we can move closer to the things we care about. By saying ‘I notice that I’m feeling sad…’ rather than ‘I am sad’, we distance ourselves from the waves of the emotion and learn from it instead.

Don’t indulge in any unresourceful thought or feeling –  This is from a ten day mental challenge I’m completing at the moment and it has been very helpful. Emotions are signposts that something isn’t aligning with our values and the quicker we identify the problem and move towards a solution, everyone is happier. Plus, who wants to spend any longer than they have to in the funk of frustration or sadness. Definitely not me.

Shift your posture – Apparently our cells ‘feel’ us and we are showing our bodies how to generate emotion by the way we move. If we are hunched over, this sends a message to our brain that we are sad or depressed and chemicals are produced accordingly. This is one reason I find yoga so helpful.

3. I’m not a goal-setter

Goals were scary for me.

With so much going on in our busy family and the thought that I was just the supporter, I forgot myself for a while and lost myself in the identity of just being a mother. This led to more than a bit of resentment and I had to learn the hard way that I needed to find my own way.

When I started writing a book I was very coy about it. ‘I’m writing this book but I don’t ever think I’ll get it published’, I used to say. As though reaching too high was bad or maybe I was just protecting my ego. But bit by bit I have gathered the confidence – through listening to podcasts on writing (So You Want to Be a Writer) and reading books about the industry – to come to a place where I’m open in saying I hope that I have a published series one day. I spend time every day making this dream come true and writing down my goals has helped me feel so much more confident about this path.

I use a great technique by Rachel Hollis which starts with ten big dreams (by looking forward ten years from now), condenses it into ten goals and then focuses on one that you break down into steps.

4. I’m not a good mother

I have had a complicated journey in motherhood. From over-identifying with it when I began, to pulling away because of the pain when it all went wrong, then deciding to pour myself into household tasks because that happened to be what I could control… I’m now in a place (finally) where I feel like I have hit a better balance.

It sure isn’t perfect – I wrestle with lecturing instead of asking insightful questions, exploding in anger when the kids don’t listen or respect me and caring far too much about having an ordered house, but I’m moving towards a place where I feel like I can love the kids for who they each are individually and allow them space to grow.

There have been key points and lessons along the way – from the Positive Parenting course we did, to using the Enneagram as a guide for figuring out why each child is so damn different in the way they respond to life, to trying to shift towards pointing out the good behaviour rather than focusing on the negative so much.

Every day now I repeat this affirmation: ‘I am an exceptional mother’. Changing the script has been everything in helping me act out of a place of abundance. I refuse to spend any more time telling myself negative stories about who I am. It is just such a waste of time.

…

When I take the time to look back, I can see that so many of the gains that have been made were the result of a shift in thinking, a subtle belief that I had bought into that turned out not to be true. But it takes time and work to dig deep enough to examine those ideas.

If you are looking to go deeper, I found this podcast interview with Shelly Lefkoe really helpful.