It would seem that I am addicted to ‘self-improvement’.
Stumbling onto methods of better understanding the inner workings of the mind – TED talks, SuperBetter, podcasts, yoga. I consume inspirational memoirs, how-to parenting books, urgently scroll through blog posts in my downtime.
The lightbulb moment is the pinnacle.
I feel like if only I just incorporate this new idea properly into my existence, ‘salvation’ will occur. I subconsciously want to be saved from my messiness, brokenness and chaos.
I place another brick on the pedestal and climb the precarious distance. Each inevitable fall more crushing than the last.
I expect too much – of the ideas and myself.
But I know the truth now, and still I failed?
This morning, reviewing a podcast of an interview between Richard Rohr and Rob Bell, this struck me:
“The path of descent is the path of transformation. Darkness, failure, relapse, death, and woundedness are our primary teachers, rather than ideas or doctrines.”
My Ego keeps nudging me towards the upwards climb.
I must resist. Learn to be, to let go, to embrace the brokenness.
To understand that salvation is found in surrendering to the divine dance – being pulled in again and again by Love.
This post is a part of a link up for Five Minute Friday, a community of fellow writers who write for 5 minutes every Friday together on a prompt.
18 comments
Oh yes…to embrace the brokenness. It reminds me of a Japanese art form. They take broken pottery and gold lacquer the cracks. The gokd cracks help to tell the story of the potterys brokenness. Loved this post. I’m in the 13 spot this week.
That is a beautiful image, Tara- I love it! What a way to redeem brokenness… Will head on over to your post soon!
Well-said, Emma. I used to work on aeroplanes, and would far sooner fix bashed bits than replace them. They add character, and tend to be stronger than when new.
But most of all, they’re living provenance…it’s my hands in the repair.
#3 at FMF this week.
http://blessed-are-the-pure-of-heart.blogspot.com/2016/05/your-dying-spouse-157-dont-expect-that.html
That is so poetic, Andrew, I love the redemptive aspect to reusing elements that would otherwise be discarded. Thanks for stopping by!
emma, i enjoyed your post. no, i’m not a lawyer, but i was able to see myself in many of your comments 🙂 there seems to be that desire to be better/do better and superimposed on it is the crushing defeat when those attempts end in failure.
imagine my joy and relief when i was reminded that GOD has worked to finish the work He starts in each of us. so encouraging the more we become aware of how broken we are!
You are right! When we are able to rest in our faults and expose them instead of hiding in shame we can find such freedom. I have to relearn that regularly though, I’m afraid 🙁
Emma! How fun to discover your lovely blog! I can totally relate to the impulse to find just the right system or idea that will make life perfect. Thanks for sharing today!
Thanks Courtney 🙂 I’ve enjoyed reading yours as well! Appreciate you taking the time to read my words 🙂
Beautiful, Emma and so full of truth. I so empathize with your struggle: it is mine too. But you’re so right: “I must resist. Learn to be, to let go, to embrace the brokenness.” It’s a daily battle to surrender and release to receive.
That is very true- it is a daily battle and I think I was hoping it was a once and for all one, but it certainly isn’t! Thanks for your wisdom!
I like this, Emma! Ideas and ourselves will always let us down. They are faulty just like us. But through accepting our brokenness, His amazing grace and love can help us out of the struggle and into trusting Him. I know that I am struggling with that as I transition into being a mommy with a 2 year old. AHH : )
Haha yes, our children become our biggest teachers at times as they stretch us and push buttons we didn’t even realise were there! Thanks for stopping by 🙂
“I expect too much.”
I read that as, “I’m hard on myself.” Boy, do I understand that. If it’s not absolute perfection, then it’s wrong and I’m wrong and I might as well crawl under the covers and call it a day. Good ol’ Eeyore, rearing his ugly head.
How profound then the statement of Romans 8:1: no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. If God’s not throwing bricks at me, then why am I throwing them at myself as if I know better than He does?
Good word!
Yes, you are right – I am hard on myself! As a Type 1 on the Enneagram it is kind of par for the course… though I’m learning not to listen to the Super Ego voice as much… it is a slow lesson! Thanks for the encouragement!
This: “I expect too much – of the ideas and myself.” Boom. It is amazing how hard we can search for just the thing to save us from whatever it is we want saving from when the Lord and His truth are so readily available. And as the podcast alluded to LIFE is an instructor. Thank you for this beautifully written post that challenges and reminds!
Life is such a crazy instructor, hey!? Thanks for your kind words – love that you resonate with the ideas I’m discovering along the way 🙂
Girl, your posts get me in just the right places every time. We are much alike methinks:) I saw your the Enneagram blurb in your bio, and I finally know what that is! I’m a Type 4, wing 3 (I think…maybe). Still working it out totally. You might like Tsh Oxenreider and her Upstream Field Guide course at theartofsimple.net or at least her blog/podcast. Lucy Maud Montgomery (author of Anne of Green Gables) talked about the alpine path to career success and ultimate authorship and fame, which totally left her wanting and dejected at the end of her life. It reminds me of the uphill climb you mentioned (and I struggle with too in many areas). The low places and small graces seem to be where God does His greatest work in us, doesn’t it? What you are doing matters as a mom, wife, writer, and especially, follower of Him. I’m over in spot 70 this week. Always so good to connect with you, Emma.
I can’t wait to read your post, it is actually one of the highlights of my week because I find we are always on the same page as well 🙂 Thanks so much for your recommendations- I love being inspired into new paths and I will check both of those out for sure 🙂 The Enneagram is crazy in the layers of meaning and understanding, hey? Love hearing what types people are- helps me understand so much better… and the world sure needs Type 4s! And with a wing 3- unstoppable! 😀