One of the hardest things about parenting, I’m finding, is knowing when to step back. To take myself and my feelings out of the equation and resist the urge to make it about me.

Launching our kids forth into the greater world can be a crash course in heartbreak. They are going to make mistakes – maybe they will struggle with sharing, not know how to speak up, perhaps they will say something embarrassing, or not make any friends. The problem is, when our worst fears are realised, how do we respond?

It’s that stomach-clenching feeling when the teacher pulls us aside and shares that our kids are struggling – that they were mean to someone, that they aren’t progressing as they should. What could I have done to prevent this? Was it something I did? Didn’t do? The thoughts flood my mind and I ruminate, mulling over parallel worlds where I was the perfect parent – anticipating everything that could have gone wrong and preparing them better.

Last night, Dave showed me an article about Lawnmower parenting. Apparently the latest buzz word in parenting, this type of person moves beyond the helicopter label by acting to prevent their kids from even experiencing any kind of struggle, mowing down obstacles that could bring them down.

I have to say, I have sympathy for this type of parent. It hits right to the very core, our fear of what could happen if… so we do what we think is best – we step in. My first reaction is always through my own eyes, which is logical – we experience the world through the medium of our senses and come to conclusions based upon our collected evidence.

But what happens if we don’t have the whole story?

As our kids grow up and learn to figure out the complicated world in which we find ourselves, I hate watching them struggle. I feel hurt on their behalf if someone is mean, I feel ashamed if they forget to use their manners. These responses are natural, they are the reality that comes with loving people and being responsible for them.

But, if we let ourselves stay in that space – giving in to the urge to write defensive emails or stepping in to resolve their conflicts – often it just makes it so much worse. By stepping in, we take away a learning opportunity, we make it about us, and we send a message that they aren’t competent enough to figure out their own problems.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating for an abandonment of all instruction or guidance (Dave can tell you that my natural approach is very firmly in the lecture/inspirational speech category). But if I can support my kids to fix their mistakes, fight their own battles and stand on their own two feet – I will do so with my whole heart.

Underneath it all we are all the same – flawed humans who love our kids and want what is best for them. I’m making a conscious effort to step back a little, to switch off that lawnmower and to remind myself that I’m a supporting actor in the film of their lives.

Parenting. Whew. Why does it have to be so complicated!

What type of parent are you? Do you fall into the camp of ‘lawnmower parent’ or are you practiced at standing back? Let me know!

More links:

Step back and watch your child build his own self esteem

7 Ways to Stop Overparenting and Raise a Can-Do Kid

9 Surprising Ways You Might Be Over-parenting Your Child