I like patterns. There is something comforting about doing the same thing in the same way, imparting an almost meditative quality. As I move through day after day, it is tempting to let my habits govern me, leading me gently along the well-worn road of least resistance.
In the past few weeks, something has been shifting. I have been saying ‘yes’ to more things, breaking out of the traditional plodding that can represent safety and predictability. Sometimes it is the little things, the tiny victories that can represent a step of unknown proportions.
I watch as my growing freedom, my own path, seems to release the kids too. Where I let go and choose to have fun, they follow suit. Or, perhaps it is their influence on me. We spend hours in the spa, take the time to pick up shells on the beach in the rain, treat them to ice cream cones way past their bedtime. I broaden my gaze beyond the worst case perspective and see the fun they are having instead.
It feels odd. Like a shedding of skin, a bracing for the pain only to find a shiny layer glowing underneath. It is an awakening, rippling out gently.
When I let fear dictate my decisions, my state turns inwards. Rumination, panic, frustration, regret. Vivid images playing over as though they were memories instead. I see the cost of anxiety everywhere. The paths not taken, the opportunities missed. The hollow shell of what could have been.
Life is so brilliant. Our potentials are limitless, relationships as vibrant as we wish to make them. I marvel at the new shoots unfurling, the aquamarine glint to the waves. I see creativity in artisan bread, the beckoning pyramids of oozing cheeses – each one whispering of tales in its origins, of hand-crafted persistence and love. The conversations between generations, curious questioning of wide eyes. Memories shared between family – laughter that unexpectedly takes over.
I look up. Catching gazes instead of hovering worlds away. I slow down. Giving myself over to experiences.
Life is crafted in the in-between. I’m learning how to make my home there, step by timid step.
