Why do some relationships struggle while others thrive? Is it luck? Fate? Personality? Divine intervention?

In January, Dave and I celebrated sixteen years of marriage.

Sixteen.

A simple number seems hardly adequate to quantify the sheer depth of experiences and moments of this era. In some ways, I can hardly remember what life was like ‘before Dave’ – his face patterned fondly in so many of my memories that his presence has become such an inseparable part of life.

We were just kids really, when it all began. Riding the fervent wave of youth, wanting to make a difference. I remember pages and pages of letters, conversations about values and spirituality, debates about what we were willing to give up for God.

At times I miss that pure certainty and hope. The sense that we were part of something urgent. The tides and trials of life washed it out of me for a while. It has only been recently that I’ve truly begun to reclaim that passion and sense of connection to a higher order – a conviction of the design of the Universe, the undeniable beating heart of Love that undergirds it all.

The year of lockdowns forced us to slow our pace. It brought all attention inwards again, as we figured out how to do life within the structure of our own family. But while our location was confined, my outlook began to wander – to escape the narrow suburbs and national border lines, into the realm of international politics and ideology.

With relationships everywhere are being torn apart by the political divide, we struggled at first to navigate the stormy waters – my explosions of anger towards a totalitarian system inadvertently finding an unfair target in Dave. How does one find the balance – finding a safe space to sound out opinions and frustrations, while not making the other feel as if they are on trial for crimes unconnected to them?

For years I had felt an undeniable pressure to stash my opinions close. Don’t rock the boat. Don’t be the odd one out. To go from silent to outspoken was a jarring shift. It was messy and emotional. Loud and strong. Who have I married? I imagined Dave thinking, with subtle regret.

How strong are the vows one utters in blissful naivete on that fateful day? For richer, for poorer. For better, for worse. As we tackle the challenges of life together, there is no guarantee that it will be easy. There is no promise that the person we marry will remain the same. In fact, we are supposed to evolve and change – holding out space and grace for each other and cheer on their growth. Dave did that for me this year, and I’m incredibly grateful for that gift.

We are made and remade. Thoughts and opinions batted back and forth until we fashion something understandable. Philosophy and politics. Podcasts and sound-bites. I bombard him with links. He lures me into fields of education and psychology. We wrestle with parenting dilemmas and swap quotes from our favourite texts.

Side by side, we sit at dawn. Pursuing our passions, contributing to the creation of a better world. It isn’t the grand gestures or the special trips that form us. It is these repeated routines. The habits that we take on, one step in front of another, leading us to who we want to be.

In a rare chance to escape – in the quiet opulence of our French-themed hotel room and sitting across from each other enjoying a meal, we muse over the multitude of choices that have brought us here and wonder where we are being led next. We appreciate again the grounding of this rich relationship that has given rise to so much – four incredible children, a thriving network of friends and family, an opportunity to follow our dreams.

Sixteen years is a blink of an eye. It is a long exhale, a satisfied sigh. We are no longer the same people who stood giddily across from each other in our wedding finery. Yet we cannot forget where we’ve been. Where one shifts, we move together, for we are one and must fight to remain so. Whatever the buffeting storms may throw, whatever the slogans of culture pretend to offer, we stand on something far more enduring.

It is the foundation of Love as it has remained through the ages. The Breath of Life that sparked the universe. We are anchored into the Rock of Truth and Beauty. A cord of three strands weaving through all dimensions of Time.