Eli turned seven this week. Months have folded into years, somehow, and I don’t think I could have  dreamed up our current reality if I had even tried.

There is a curious fog over the early years of our parenting experience. It comes in snatches and spurts, parting back unexpectedly to reveal memories that spark nostalgia and recognition.

I remember the euphoric peace that came when he appeared. The wonder at every expression, every twist of his tiny face. The shock of the agony and a swell of relief that we had made it to ‘the other side’. There were moments when we felt like Disney parents – crooning over the rickety cane bassinet and marvelling at the unfathomable gift of human life.

With this gift, though, came an elevation of fear. The swift stab of it when he lost too much weight and we had to return to hospital. The startling realisation that we were ‘it’ now, that the burden and responsibility for this life rested heavily, completely on us. The weeks passed and there were moments of grieving, for the old rhythms taken for granted, the new reality that revolved now around another.

Parenting is such a mix of conflicting realities. Love that would drive you to dramatic self-sacrifice and raging frustration that prompts you to mutter and curse when your beloved children seem impervious to the sound of your voice. We hold these extremes within our very beings, sometimes within moments of each other.

As a firstborn myself, I am familiar with the highs and lows of this mantle. The admonition to be ‘setting a good example’ drove me crazy sometimes – the internalised idea that I had to be perfect because my younger sisters were always watching. We break through the glass ceiling, testing our parents’ resolve and rule setting skills, struggle against the unfair weight of expectation. Let’s not forget, however, the positive elements – the lack of hand-me-downs, the chance to set (and command) the family stage and those blissful first years where we monopolised the full attention of both parents.

We have learned a lot in seven years – made a fair few mistakes, gazed upon sleeping faces with bewonderment (that should totally be a word). We have devoured parenting books, signed up for free webinars and tried our best to face our own shadows.

This state of being – this reckless ride that we find ourselves on – it all began with Eli.

When the big day dawned, he awoke before the sun, having surfaced from sleep many times throughout the night due to his escalating excitement. There was a small pile of presents to feverishly unwrap, representative of his varied interests (and somewhat based upon this hilarious birthday list he issued us).

After school we headed straight over to Grandma and Grandpa’s for a mini-birthday party and the presentation of a group family present – the Garmin Vivofit watch (Star Wars themed, of course). He absolutely loves it and it has been paying off dividends ever since, particularly with the ability to be able to set chores and rewards.

Eli has been a little obsessed with Star Wars this year (despite never having watched one of the blockbuster movies) thanks to the Disney series ‘Star Wars Rebels‘. It made sense that his class party would be themed accordingly.

Dave threw himself wholeheartedly into the role of Games Master and the coinciding extra week of school holidays meant that he was able to put a bit of planning time in. He emerged with a lengthy list of themed games from nerf gun battles, to lightsaber challenges, storm trooper gauntlets and Darth Vader dance-offs. I was secretly relieved that I had the easy job in the kitchen because he sure had to put on his ‘teacher voice’ a few times to corral the twenty (hyper)active kids.

I tried to keep it fairly simple with the food, knowing that kids really tend to eat very little in my experience. We had cheese and salami pinwheels, curry puffs, sausage rolls, party pies, dip and veggies, fish and chip buckets, zucchini slice (thanks to my mum) inter-galactic chocolate bark, galaxy cupcakes, honeycomb and chocolate marshmallows and fruit skewers (thanks to my mother-in-law). I still totally over-catered but hey, what can you do? Thankfully (with a little savvy direction) Eli chose the easy birthday cake option – lightsaber cupcakes that simply needed to be frosted and placed in the right position.

One of the biggest initial impediments to giving our permission for having the entire class over was the thought of all the presents (and where on earth we would put them). Without knowing it was a thing we ended up making it a ‘Fiver’ party where we kindly asked people not to bring gifts, but if they were uncomfortable with that then Eli would be so pleased with a $2-$5 dollar donation towards his Star Wars saving fund instead. I was absolutely blown away by how generous everyone was, and Eli was so thankful and surprised as well.

When the last guests had left and we dove onto the nearest couches to recover, we had no regrets. It was probably the most insane hour and a half this house has ever seen, but on the whole the kids seemed to have fun (despite many not knowing anything about Star Wars) and Eli was very positive about the whole occasion. We certainly couldn’t have done it without the help of both of our parents and the generous assistance of one amazing mum in particular (thanks Ange!).

Seven years of Eli is a milestone worth celebrating.

…

Dear Eli,

I look at you sometimes and wonder at your origins. You are poised, confident (sorry, I know you hate that word), creative, clever, insightful, empathetic, athletic, determined, funny and kind. You look at the world and see it, the complexity and greyness doesn’t scare so much as intrigue you. 

We clash sometimes. Less so recently, but it still happens. Often I feel like the very lesson I’m in the middle of lecturing you with is the precise one that I should be directing at myself. I’m trying to get better with that. 

I love sharing books with you. Losing ourselves in the pages, visiting other worlds. Watching you craft your own stories and narratives with far greater ability than I ever displayed at your age. Your passion for reading has ignited my own, spurred me on down paths I never suspected I would tread and I hope one day to dedicate my own books to you. 

You are a force to be reckoned with on the basketball court. I’m so proud of your persistence, the control you are learning over your emotions, your pride for your team, the way you conduct yourself on the court and the hours of practice you put in on our own. 

I can see the way that music beckons to you already, with your fierce determination to master new melodies (and your current obsession with flossin’). Keep immersing yourself in the wonders of music… it is one of the (many) magical elements of this incredible universe. 

Thanks for making us parents. Thanks for being a great example for your younger siblings (most of the time). Thanks for being willing to ‘level up’ with the areas of life that don’t come quite as easily. 

Our love for you swells and multiplies. It churns like the ocean and shimmers like the still surface of a lake. We watch you with awe and wonder at who you are becoming. 

Love you to infinity and beyond, 

Mum