Dave banished me from the house today.
‘Take the day to just be’, he said, ‘and don’t even think about coming back before 4:30pm. I’ve got this!’
I was equal parts terrified and excited as I set out, after attending a meeting in the morning. It felt a little foreign to consider what I want to do with time that doesn’t revolve around others’ needs. At Savers I had to continually redirect myself from the kid-related aisles, being drawn there as if by magnet. But it feels good and right to do this. There have been signs that it is an important thing to do – a number of explosively difficult days with the kids in the past few weeks, leading to realisations that I’m just not the type of person that I want to be right now. This motherhood gig is incredibly tough sometimes (a lot of the time) and if I don’t do my ‘work’, the whole family suffers.
So I’m sitting in a cafe typing away, a nagging feeling as if there is ‘something’ I should be doing… but choosing to trust that Dave has it all under control.
//The soul is in the voice, I heard
and wondered what it meant
when I chose to swallow words
or harness them to vent.
The layers that I place upon
what I really think and feel
are oft’ made of corrosive stuff
and yet I try to steel
myself against the pain
or internalise the wound
for if I cannot see it
maybe it will prove
that on the surface I am really fine
and very good at coping
but if the words were allowed to come
they’d show evidence of doping
my feelings, taming the flame
pushing down desires
to better contain
the needs and cries
of motherhood, of always being there
for everyone else
but struggling to take the time to
ask what should be felt
for me.//
This post is inspired by the Five Minute Friday writing challenge. Each week I join with this talented group of writers, free writing for five minutes in accordance with a prompt. Today’s prompt is ‘speak’.
12 comments
Love that Dave pushed you out of the house – I try to do this to Barbara.
And the poem is so transparent, so warm, and so true. Great job!
#2 at FMF this week.
https://blessed-are-the-pure-of-heart.blogspot.com/2017/08/your-dying-spouse-351-this-will-all-be.html
That’s very kind of you to do that for Barbara, sure makes me have a lot more perspective on the tough things… hope you are having a more manageable week and the pain isn’t too out of control 🙁
So glad Dave gave you some time away. I think it’s important for moms to do that. I love the poem too. I’m over in the 55 spot this week.
Thanks Tara, it was the best thing!
Love this. “…steel myself against the pain..” and “when I chose to swallow words or harness them to vent”. Oh how often do I do it wrong!!! Glad you could get away.
Thanks Mary, so glad you stopped by 🙂 Words can be complicated, hey?
How dear to have that time to just go and rediscover a little place beyond. I absolutely loved your poem.
Have a dear week.
Amazing how a little time can be so good for the soul! Hope you are having an amazing week too xx
Emma, beautiful, raw poemabout our inner struggle. My kids are older but I’m wrestling right along with you. I’ve spent so much energy being there for everyone else. Now, I’m feeling a bit lost. Giving myself permission to just be is hard. I’m always glad for the time but pushing away the guilt takes some effort.
Oh I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling lost at the moment… though sometimes that feeling can lead to some amazing things if we let it direct us to what matters? I feel you about giving yourself permission to just be without the guilt…. wonder why it is so hard? You are doing a great job showing up, being real and facing all the feelings – well done! xx
So glad you listened to Dave. Glad for you and glad for me. Thank you for writing this.💝
That is so encouraging, Lisa, thank you!